CORPORATE RADIO INTERCEPTED MEMO

Upcoming New Rules

As I have a background in commercial broadcast radio, I have many friends in the business, few not disgruntled. We stay in touch with email and social media. They watch my progress as an professional in online marketing strategies, wishing me well, keeping me in touch and often sending me things, some of which I can not share and some that I can share right here.

This is one such Show and Tell.

I KNOW only that I received the following INTERCEPTED CORPORATE MEMO from a blog follower whose name may be "Anne Onnimas" or might not be and whose location other than her cryptic, "inside spy," is a mystery. Is that a reference? Inside which corporation? The Clear? the Cume? The Enter? The Satellite Merge? Who? As I post, that remains unknown, but there is an overall consensus that it's safe to say the following goes for them all:

EFFECTIVE JUNE 1, 2011: 
NEW OFFICE POLICY

    Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

    Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

    Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

 Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

     Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your adherence to these rules which were initiated by Human Resources in an ongoing effort to improve your worth, which proves your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Keeping it profitable and positive,

The Management

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